Category: Gay Youth & Suicide

For gay teens who have considered suicide | Commentary | Minnesota Public Radio News

For gay teens who have considered suicide | Commentary | Minnesota Public Radio News.

By Sean Simonson

I have considered suicide. Yes, I have considered taking my own life. Unlike six other boys recently in the news, I never took the steps to follow through on my dark thoughts, but, unfortunately, I can understand what drove them to. Because I know what it’s like to be a gay teenager.

Imagine going through adolescence: hormones raging, body changing, and relationships that go a little deeper than friendship developing. Now, add on being gay.

Don’t believe being different is difficult? Try going through a day in the life of a gay teen.

Every day you hear someone use your sexuality — a part of you that, no matter how desperately you try, you cannot change — as a negative adjective. That hurts.

You fear looking the wrong way in the locker room and offending someone. Politicians are allowed to debate your right to marry the person you love or your right to be protected from hate crimes under the law. Your faith preaches your exclusion — or damnation. And no one does anything to stop it.

Recently, the Archbishop used money donated by an anonymous source to denounce same-sex marriage. That’s right: a major religious leader used non-Church money from a questionable source to publicly condemn your right to express your love in a public and binding manner.

A public school district nearby — after a wake of suicides by kids much like yourself — cannot bring itself to put your protection from bullying into its policies. Members of the district fear your kind and how you might brainwash their children into thinking that your behavior is appropriate or to join your kind.

A political party makes its position denying your right to marry one of its main voting points. And your nation voted this party in office.

You cannot legally give blood to save a life, nor risk your life to defend your country unless you hide your identity and deny who you are.

Oh yeah, and the words “queer,” “homo,” and “faggot” that people throw around all the time? Yeah, those might as well be personal attacks.

This is daily life for me. And I can understand why, if you are gay like me, you might consider ending it all. But I hope you don’t.

Why? Because without you, who is going to make it better for everyone else? Without you, no one is going to stand up against the injustice. I need you to help me make this world a better place for both of us and everyone else like us.

And all of you who don’t have to undergo this horror daily, it’s up to you to help. Don’t stand by and let hatred go on. Don’t sit back and watch your friends be discriminated against. Reach out and help those who might need it.

Together, maybe we can make the world an easier place to live for gay and straight teens alike. Because no one else is going to do it for us.

Sean Simonson is a senior at Benilde-St. Margaret’s School in St. Louis Park and is an editor on the school’s student newspaper, the Knight Errant.

 

Christian, happy and gay. Yes, it’s possible!

Christian, happy and gay. Yes, it’s possible!
Benjamin Gresham
SX ONLINE, 31 October 2010

I wonder if you’ve ever thought about trying to change your sexual orientation. Is it even possible? Well, many religions seem to think so and still present this as one of the only options for LGBT people. What follows is a trail of devastation for many involved and my story is no different.

I was born and raised in the Hills area of Sydney, known to many as the ‘Bible Belt’. Brought up on Christian beliefs and values, I was taught from a young age that homosexuality was unacceptable and was not part of God’s plan.

I first knew I didn’t fit into this ‘plan’ when I was about 6-years-old. I didn’t really know much about being gay then, let alone that I was one of them; however I did know that I was different. And like any person who is ‘different’, the desire to conform and be accepted can make you do almost anything.

Even though I grew up in a Christian home, it wasn’t until I was about 15-years-old that I started going along to church, reading the bible and taking my faith seriously. At 15, my faith became more to me than just stories and historic figures. God became a real part of my life and my church was like my home. It was everything to me!

At high school I was one of those kids that everyone knew was a Christian. I would pray before school at the flag pole, lead the school Christian group and vowed to never have sex before marriage. However, under the cover of this seemingly ‘straight’ Christian boy was a closeted young gay man, ashamed of who he was and terrified of anyone knowing the truth.

My Christian identity in many ways also became a cover for dodging any possible questions that might suggest I was gay. However, despite the straight facade I was portraying, I still would often get bagged out at school for being too ‘soft’ and for liking all the ‘gay’ subjects. I still remember one Friday in Year Ten when I thought I had been found out. A boy in my grade came up to me and said, “You’re not going to heaven, Ben!” I replied, “Why not?” He responded with, “Because God doesn’t send faggots to heaven!”

At 16-years-old, I gathered up all the strength and courage I could muster and organised to meet with my church leader and managed to get out the words “I’m gay”. The look of disappointment on his face was too much for me to take and so I burst into tears only to be interrupted by him saying “You can change. Many others have become straight – you just have to believe”.

My desire to be a good Christian led me to wanting to take my church leader’s advice and made me want to change from gay to straight and so I entered my first ‘ex-gay’ program. ‘Ex-gay’ programs try to ‘cure’ your homosexuality as if it were some type of illness or abnormality.

Every day, for 60 days at a time, I would complete lessons on ‘Why homosexuality is wrong’, read the bible, pray and attend church up to 5 times a week, as well as answer accountability questions for things like whether I had looked at pornography, masturbated or even had thoughts about other men.

One day I slipped. After lasting for 42 days I masturbated, causing me to fall into a cycle of guilt, shame and self-hate. I attended the programs for another three years, desperately wanting for God to love me and for the church to find a place for me. As a gay man, I simply felt that God would not love me unless I was straight.

At the same time of trying to turn from gay to straight, I was in the home stretch of high school. As I studied hard, the formal came closer and closer and the fact that I didn’t have a date was becoming more and more suspicious. I would go to school only to be bullied with the words ‘faggot’, ‘homo’ or ‘queer’ which soon became commonplace. I would cringe every time I heard my friends say ‘that’s so gay’ and the bullying left me feeling like I didn’t belong, furthering my desire to become straight. My Christian identity was no longer covering my secret and so one day, I caved in and asked a girl to my formal just so I could fit in with the other guys.

As I battled between my faith and sexuality, I started to hate myself and felt like I had failed God. It was at this time that I was diagnosed with depression. My depression escalated and led to self-harm. I attempted to commit suicide twice.

Realising I could no longer go on living like this, I left the ex-gay programs and resigned myself to a life without God. I felt numb, broken, damaged. After all that work, nothing had changed and I had almost lost my life.

A few months later, I found Freedom 2 b[e], a group for LGBT people from Christian backgrounds. With this group I found the hope, strength and love I needed to move forward. Over time, my depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts reduced significantly and for the first time in my life, I believed that I was loved by God, just as I was. At 19-years-old, I finally ‘came out’ for good as an openly-gay man.

Coming out was no easy process and telling my parents and family proved hard at first but today they are incredibly supportive. They are even marching with me in Mardi Gras in 2011.

Today I am a 22-year-old, very happy gay Christian man. I have an amazing boyfriend named Sam, I am in my 4th year of university and I am the Youth Coordinator for Freedom 2 b[e].

I am still attending the same church as before, except this time, I am not living a lie. I am living as a proud gay man and am currently working with the pastors and leaders to make it a safer place for LGBT youth. It is my hope that one day ex-gay programs will cease to exist and the church would become a place of love not judgement for LGBT people everywhere.

Even though ‘being different’ isn’t easy and often faith and sexuality seem like they are two worlds apart, I have managed to reconcile my faith in God and my sexual orientation and I am now the happiest I’ve ever been.

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More resources down under at freedom2be.org.

 

After Teen Suicides, Christian Gay Opponents Look Inward

by Adelle M. Banks

Religion News Service

(RNS) When Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi killed himself after his roommate allegedly broadcast his sexual encounter with another man, the Rev. R. Albert Mohler wondered if anything could have prevented the 18-year-old’s suicide.

“Tyler could just have well been one of our own children,” said Mohler, a father of two and president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, who criticized the Christian treatment of gays on his blog.

“Christians have got to stop talking about people struggling with sexual issues as a tribe apart.”

In the wake of a spate of gay youths who were bullied — and some who took their own lives — Mohler and some other vocal opponents of homosexuality are taking new steps of introspection.

While defending traditional Christian teaching against homosexuality, they say divisive and condemnatory rhetoric needs to be replaced with actually getting to know a gay neighbor or classmate.

Some have gone even further. Exodus International, a leading “ex-gay” group, pulled its sponsorship of the annual “Day of Truth,” which encourages students to express their disapproval of homosexuality.

Alan Chambers, president of Exodus, recalled the pain of being a middle schooler who was bullied because peers thought he was gay. The recent suicides led him to think his organization needed to lead the way in encouraging less “polar” ways of addressing sexuality.

“I think the church really needs to approach these issues in a much more conversational, relational, service sort of way,” Chambers said. “Not to change our position about biblical truth — because we haven’t done that — but to really understand that whether someone agrees with us on this issue or not doesn’t mean that they’re not our neighbor.”

On Tuesday (Oct. 12), Mormon officials received 150,000 signatures on a petition that criticized a top church leader for condemning gay marriage and declaring that a homosexual orientation can and should be changed.

Noting Mormons’ own history of persecution, church spokesman Michael Otterson said there is “common ground” between Mormons and gay rights supporters on the topic of standing against bullying and harassing young gays.

“Our parents, young adults, teens and children should therefore, of all people, be especially sensitive to the vulnerable in society and be willing to speak out against bullying or intimidation whenever it occurs, including unkindness toward those who are attracted to others of the same sex,” he said.

The current issue of an Assemblies of God ministers’ journal discusses pastoral counseling on homosexuality, and while the church maintains that homosexual behavior is “against God’s word,” leaders say hatred and bullying are entirely inappropriate.

“It’s that balance between conviction and compassion and we are really trying to walk a line,” said the Rev. James Bradford, general secretary of the Pentecostal denomination.

Gay rights groups, meanwhile, remain skeptical. Such sentiments are a positive “step in the right direction,” said the Rev. Rebecca Voelkel of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, but they do not go far enough.

“If we reach out in love, and yet our real message is that who you are as a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person is not beloved in the sight of God, then that reaching out may in fact be under false pretenses and could in fact be even more dangerous,” said Voelkel, a
minister of the United Church of Christ.

In recent weeks, blogger John Shore has found many evangelicals grappling with these issues in their comments on his blog post that connected Christian opposition to homosexuality with gay teen suicide.

Shore, a progressive Episcopalian from San Diego, said he can’t applaud evangelicals who say they are sympathetic to gays but also condemn their behavior as sinful.

“It doesn’t matter during the course of the day how often I move to defend the gays if at the end of the day I am convinced that the way they are is an abomination to God,” he said.

Pastor Mike Cosper of Louisville, Ky., said he agrees with Mohler that the church could be less judgmental about homosexuality, and believes evangelicals shouldn’t get any more “fired up” about it than they would about greed or any other sin.

Yet he disagrees with advocates like Voelkel who wish conservative churches would change their viewpoint on sin.

“The reality is we have historic faith, we have a belief and we have plenty of anecdotal and testimonial evidence of people who’ve said I’ve walked away from this lifestyle,” said Cosper, whose Sojourn Community Church has hosted conferences to help pastors “shepherd people through that journey.”

Religious leaders aren’t ready to lay the blame of the suicidal deaths of gay teens like Clementi on themselves. But Mohler said gay friends in his congregation have helped him realize he should not consider homosexuality “someone else’s problem.”

“Do I think the church is primarily to blame? No,” said Mohler. “But does the church have a responsibility? You bet. … I’m not suggesting there was some congregation that failed (Clementi). My concern is that we’re failing many others.”

 

Gay Bullying Deaths and Religion: Are Believers the Problem or the Solution?

DAVID GIBSON
Religion Reporter
Politics Daily

The national heartbreak and ongoing furor over the suicide of Tyler Clementi, the New Jersey college freshman who was humiliated when two other students secretly videotaped and broadcast on the Internet his tryst with another man, has cast a harsh light on the scourge of bullying, especially when it targets gay and lesbian youth.

But Clementi’s death last month, following suicides by several other homosexual teens in recent weeks, has also prompted a sharp debate in religious communities, a discussion that includes an unusual degree of soul-searching in addition to the more typical defensiveness.

Christian denominations, where homosexuality is often condemned in uncompromising terms and where battling gay rights can be a legislative priority, have been particularly roiled by the debate, with traditionalists who tend to lead the charge against homosexuality posing some of the toughest questions for their own members.

“Are we complicit?” was the title of a provocative blog post on Tuesday at Mirror of Justice, a Catholic legal affairs site.

The author of that column, Russell Powell, an associate law professor at Seattle University School of Law, wrote: “In the Church’s attempt to assert its commitment to heterosexual marriage and to maintain that homosexuality is a moral disorder, does it help to create a cultural climate that tacitly legitimizes the stigmatization of gay young people?”

Powell wrote that the suicides have prompted him “to reconsider the possible benefits of anti-bullying legislation even if it were to serve a largely symbolic function.”

Warren Throckmorton, a psychology professor at Grove City College in Pennsylvania and a “traditional evangelical” known for counseling homosexuals to overcome their same-sex impulses, also wrote that the recent suicides should help convince Christian conservatives to drop their opposition to anti-bullying laws that list sexual orientation as a category.

“Christians need not worry about violating their faith when schools insist on fair and respectful treatment for all,” Throckmorton wrote at CNN’s Belief Blog. “Anti-gay name-calling is hurtful to all students. Refusing to name the problem can create the illusion that such name-calling is acceptable.”

Related: It Gets Better: Fighting to Save Gay Teens, One Video at a Time, by Sarah Wildman

On Wednesday, Exodus International, a controversial Christian group that tries to help “liberate” homosexuals from same-sex attractions, announced it would stop sponsoring an annual event that encourages school students to “counter the promotion of homosexual behavior.” The reason, Exodus head Alan Chambers told CNN, is because “the recent attention to bullying helped us realize that we need to equip kids to live out biblical tolerance and grace while treating their neighbors as they’d like to be treated, whether they agree with them or not.”

Others Christian leaders adopted a more traditional “hate the sin, love the sinner” attitude. But they still reproached their fellow believers for not showing nearly enough of the latter when it comes to gays and lesbians.

“When gay activists accuse conservative Christians of homophobia, they are wrong. Our concern about the sinfulness of homosexuality is not rooted in fear, but in faithfulness to the Bible — and faithfulness means telling the truth,” R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and a leading evangelical voice, wrote at his website.

“Yet, when gay activists accuse conservative Christians of homophobia, they are also right. Much of our response to homosexuality is rooted in ignorance and fear,” Mohler wrote.

“We speak of homosexuals as a particular class of especially depraved sinners and we lie about how homosexuals experience their own struggle. Far too many evangelical pastors talk about sexual orientation with a crude dismissal or with glib assurances that gay persons simply choose to be gay. While most evangelicals know that the Bible condemns homosexuality, far too many find comfort in their own moralism, consigning homosexuals to a theological or moral category all their own.”

Christians on the more liberal end of the spectrum have been, not surprisingly, quicker to point a finger at conservative members of their own tradition who they say scapegoat and demonize homosexuals through their religious language and in public policy fights in support of the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, for example, or in campaigns against gay marriage, such as the Proposition 8 referendum in California.

“Saying that homosexuality and Christianity are incompatible is violence,” said the Rev. Troy G. Plummer, a gay Methodist pastor and activist. “From policy to pulpit to pew to parents to persons, this injustice creates bullies who believe their faith favors punishment of people for the ‘sin’ of being born gay.”

In the same vein, in a column at Religion Dispatches titled “Bullies Flourishing with Christian Support,” Candace Chellew-Hodge criticized Focus on the Family, a prominent lobby on the religious right, for leading the charge against anti-bullying legislation introduced in August by Pennsylvania Democrat Robert Casey in the Senate and California Democrat Linda Sanchez in the House.

Those bills, each called the Safe Schools Improvement Act, include sexual orientation as a targeted category — along with religion and race — and provide for programs to educate students. Focus on the Family officials say those provisions would in reality “promote homosexuality to kids” as early as kindergarten and “lay the foundation for codifying sexual orientation and gender identity as protected classes.”

“Instead of being concerned for the actual lives of gay and lesbian children (or those perceived as gay and lesbian), Focus’ true motive is to continue its political and religious agenda at the expense of these children,” said Chellew-Hodge, a lesbian pastor in South Carolina and editor of an online magazine for gay Christians.

Chellew-Hodge also noted that Focus on the Family’s campaign against the bullying legislation coincided with the launch of a new campaign by the group, called “True Tolerance,” which aims to fight bullying policies that protect gays by claiming they seek to “evade parental rights” and “circumvent traditional marriage laws.”

Within weeks of the campaign’s launch, the bullying suicides of Clementi and the others were national news.

But Focus on the Family rejects any connection between its rhetoric and bullying or teen suicides, and they and other Christian lobbies say they won’t alter their political efforts because of the recent deaths.

“All of these deaths are tragic, but it is factually wrong to say that all were the result of anti-gay bullying,” said William Donohue, head of the Catholic League, a conservative advocacy group. “Worse, it is libelous to suggest that because Christianity (and Judaism and Islam) is opposed to homosexuality that somehow it should be held responsible for whatever bullying did go on. Indeed, to suggest culpability is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to stifle religious speech.”

Focus on the Family officials also argue that teen suicide is a complex issue, especially for gay and lesbian youths, and that bullying is only one of several potential factors and so Christian beliefs against homosexuality should not be blamed.

“It’s shameful that some pro-homosexual activists would exploit the personal tragedies of these families to promote a political agenda,” said Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, a prominent conservative Christian lobby. “While individual bullies may target ‘gay’ kids (and should be punished), there’s no empirical evidence for the claim that society’s disapproval of homosexuality causes the mental health problems (including depression and suicide) that are found among homosexuals.”

Education experts and child psychologists disagree. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan called bullying “a moral issue” when he convened the first-ever bullying prevention summit this past August.

Bullying, Duncan said, “is really a form of physical and mental abuse” that “leaves long-lasting scars on children.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that after physical appearance, homosexuality is considered a prime factor in bullying, and that youth who are bullied are more likely than other children to be depressed, lonely and anxious, and are more prone to think about suicide or trying to commit suicide. A survey by the group Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, commonly called PFLAG, found that 85 percent of gay students were harassed during the previous school year but few reported it.

One irony of the conservative Christian opposition to homosexuality and anti-discrimination efforts is that religion is also listed in every anti-bullying statute as a reason youth are bullied, and a 2008 British study found that one in four young people from across all religions in the United Kingdom had been bullied because of their religious beliefs.

The outcry over the deaths of Tyler Clementi and many others is not likely to deter extremist believers from gay-bashing rhetoric. The case of the notorious Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas, whose members picket the funerals of AIDS victims and soldiers with signs reading “God Hates Fags,” was argued before the Supreme Court this week, but as repellent as most other Christians find their views, the group’s protests are likely to be found constitutionally protected speech.

More problematic may be the run-of-the-mill Christian discourse that often demeans gays, such as the assertion last week by Sen. Jim DeMint — a conservative Republican and Tea Party leader from South Carolina — who told a church audience that homosexuals (and single women who sleep with their boyfriends) should be barred from teaching positions. DeMint was criticized by some but offered no apologies and noted how his past comments on gays have elicited wide though quiet support.

And in his response, Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council said that besides punishing individual bullies, the “most compassionate” thing Christians can do for gays is to convince them they can change their sexual orientation.

On the other hand, there seems to be an effort within some churches to at least mitigate the kind of language that is deployed against homosexuals.

The Roman Catholic Church, for example, teaches that homosexual acts are “objectively disordered” and has sought to bar even chaste gay men from the priesthood. And in the United States, many Catholic bishops have made fighting gay marriage and anti-bullying laws that include sexual orientation as big a priority as battling abortion rights.

But in his post at Mirror of Justice, Russell Powell expressed a hope that, at the very least, the recent teen deaths would prompt bishops and pastors “to offer encouragement to young people at risk and to call communities to love rather than to reject.”

And writing at the blog of America magazine, a national Jesuit weekly, Father James Martin said that the church often approaches gays and lesbians with a series of “Thou shall nots” rather than a positive message of love and acceptance.

“[I]f pro-life means trying to avoid anything that will threaten any life, from natural conception to natural death, then we should be finding ways to protect all life, which also means preventing suicides, and preventing gay suicides,” Martin wrote. “In any event, there is much for us, the church, still to do.”